So before we get to the recipe--scroll down if you're one of those "just give me the recipe, Susan" types (love ya, mean it)--I have to tell you about the time I tried to bake this cake during a mild existential crisis brought on by a squirrel, a rogue Roomba, and the haunting memory of my high school jazz band solo.
It was a Tuesday. Or maybe a Thursday. You know the kind--where you wake up to the smell of burnt toast, only you didn't make any toast, and the toaster's been unplugged since 2017. That kind of day.
I had exactly two eggs left. Not metaphorically--I mean literally two eggs, and I knew if I used them, I was committing to cake. No room for quiche. No room for regrets.
So I gather my ingredients, right? Eggs. Oil. Water. Cake mix. The holy tetrahedron. I'm halfway through whisking like a deranged barista on a mission when my 5-year-old comes sprinting in, pantsless, yelling, "THE ROOBA ATE MY LEGO CASTLE!" Which, honestly, is just par for the course around here.
Long story short, the Roomba is now named Debra, she's in time-out, and the Lego Kingdom has declared independence. Meanwhile, I go back to the batter, only to realize I forgot to preheat the oven. Classic me. So I crank it to 300°F, say a small prayer to Saint Betty Crocker, and line the pan like it's a tiny origami sleeping bag.
This is when the squirrel comes in.
Yes. A squirrel. Through the open kitchen window like it owns the place. It lands directly on the counter, makes eye contact, and steals a chocolate chip from my trail mix like it's in Mission: Impossible. Then it leaves. No notes.
Anyway. Back to the cake.
You're going to whisk everything together, pour it into your beautifully lined and greased 9x9 pan (which I recommend over the 8x8 unless you like chaos), and bake it until it hits 190°F. You'll need an instant-read thermometer unless you enjoy poking cakes and guessing like it's a weird baking-themed magic 8-ball.
Don't forget to rotate the pan halfway through unless you want one side moist and the other side doing its best Sahara Desert impression.
Oh, and one last thing: this is based on the King Arthur Gluten Free Chocolate Cake Mix, which is amazing unless you use expired eggs, which I did once during Mercury retrograde and we do not talk about it.
Alright, now that I've overshared you into a new timeline, here's the recipe you came for. Happy baking, and may your cake rise higher than my standards in college.
